Sunday, January 24, 2010

Voices From the Past

Sometimes I'm guilty of something called "negative talk."

Some statements I've been guilty of either saying out loud or in my head:

  • "My ass is taking over the world."
  • "If I jumped off a bridge I would fly because of my bat wings."
  • "You're never going to lose this weight."
  • "You'll never be able to run a mile."
  • "You've really let yourself go."
  • "I don't like who I am."
  • "I bet every one looks at how fat I am when I walk in a room."
  • "Why can't you be like X? She/he lost weight so easily."
  • "I'll never be able to (fill in the blank)."
  • "Why bother putting on make up or getting dressed up? It's not like it will help you look any better!"

I'm not proud of the things I've said/thought. I'm just being honest with you. I've been making an effort to change negative thoughts for a while. But sometimes......well....they come back.

Just last week I was trying so hard to run. Others seemed to do it without much effort. Why is it so difficult for me? I give it my all and I mean that. I work hard. I push myself. It's still hard.

I have apparently forgotten how far I've come. I found my journal from when I first started to lose weight. I was 250 pounds. By the time I started keeping my journal I had lost about 10-15 pounds. I can't remember and I was too ashamed to actually record my weight.

Here is a picture of me at about the time I started keeping this journal. Some of the words from my journal:

  • "I've lost 7 pounds! Doctor says blood pressure is high."
  • "Today I blew it and went to IHOP. Feeling really bad about that."
  • "Lazy and not feeling like dieting or exercising. Semi-trying to stick with it. Worked out to Biggest Loser #1. Still can't do a lunge or jumping jack. I'm going out to eat."
  • "Paddled 8 miles today. An alligator growled at me!"
  • "Today the scale is my friend: 10# gone. Feel good but am a little tired."
  • "Jumped on trampoline a little. Didn't do any cardio like I should have."
  • "I feel big and heavy today."
  • "No exercise. I feel heavy, big, depressed and sleepy. Chuck ordered a Bodybugg for me!"
  • "Someone commented that it looks like I lost weight!"
  • "not much strength in legs. Struggled w/cardio."
  • "went camping. walked 2 miles. My thighs chafed so bad on the hike and they hurt."
  • "really tired today. Why haven't I lost my tummy yet?! Ate a Cafe Adobe. Oops."
  • "Feel so fat tonight. Will the weight ever come off?"
  • "weight creeping back up!! Did Biggest Loser #1 cardio. Still can't do a lunge or squat or jumping jack. Gotta lose this darn weight!"
  • "actually had some energy today"
  • "Woke up early from panic attacks. better now. Very tired today."
  • "weighed in at 234 for 16# lost. Not bad!"
  • "it hurts to ride a bike. will I ever be in shape?"
  • "Why am I so bummed? Is it because the weight is suffocating? The road seems so long? The weight loss so slow? Oh and xxxxx lost 30#. My weight better come off! Tired of being fat!"
  • "The exercise is really good for my energy and mood."
  • "Blew it!"
  • "OK so the past couple of days I have eaten poorly. Today it caught up with me. I gained 3#"
  • "I did 5 min. walk, 32 min. walk/jog at 12 sec jog/1-2 min. walk. I have to lose that weight!" That was my last entry.

Wow. The depression. The self hate. The negativity. It makes me sad. I wish I could somehow go back in time and comfort that person. I don't even feel like that was me. But it was. I remember writing those words now.

Look at how down I was because I could only jog for 12 seconds!!! Last week I jogged .3 of a mile. It's progress. I've lost 44 pounds. I'm happy. I love me for who I am right this minute....not who I'll be when I lose the weight.

(I need to post a more recent pic. This is from May 2009)

Please don't use negative talk with yourself. Only positive. Keep pushing and never give up. Progress may be slow but it is progress.

I'm keeping my journal. It is a precious reminder of how far I've come and of a place I never want to be in my life again. I'm happy with how far I've come and look forward to pushing myself to progress even further.

I think blogging has been important in the journey as well. I can put my feelings out there and you guys are so supportive and offer suggestions. Thank you!!!

I think I'll go for a nice long walk with my family today and enjoy life. The journey is just as important as the destination.


  1. So true about the negative talk. Thanks for reminding us to be kind and forgiving of ourselves.

    Look how far you've come! Change, it just takes time doesn't it?

  2. You are SO right. Negative talk got us into this mess. Positive talk is what will get us out. Believing in ourselves is necessary.

  3. Congrats for realizng negative self-talk doesn't do yourself any good! It's not an easy to habit to break and I one I have worked on hard to get rid of!

    You have come a long way and I can't wait to keep reading your blog as you continue!

  4. Kelly you are SO right!!! Love your positive-ness now!! You have made some AMAZING progress Kelly!!!

  5. You really have come so far! Those negative statements sound so familiar. You're so right about how important it is to be positive.

  6. you so right about the negative talk. Your doing SO great

  7. So agree with you...there is nothing good that comes out of negative talk. Why we still do it, I don't know.

    Can I just say how beautiful you are? You look so happy and healthy in that last picture!

  8. SO true about the negative self talk.
    If only it were as simple as just treating ourselves as we would a friend.
    its far more challenging than that huh?

    and speaking of FAR --- youve come so so so.

    Thanks for sharing the pictures.


  9. Eveything you have said to your self I have to my self... Its so odd. Id never ever say half that stuff to my dog let alone a person.. Yet I say it to my self.. Yikes... Great blog... Thank you...

  10. Wow - good way to look at it...
    I was always the happy one - I never talked to myself that way. How I escaped this personal hell, I don't know. But Kelly, I DO talk to my damn fat self now this way. Now, when it doesn't as a matter of fact apply! Well, not as much.
    You are a good inspiration. (Rock Star!)

  11. Whoa, those are some strong bad words. And boy have I been there. Your attitude and vision is so much different, and look where that's taken you. Wow!

  12. Yes, great advice! Look how far you have come! I also started at 250 and am currently at 167. It's amazing at how negative I can be with myself right now about my weight or stomach or something! But when you think about how far you have come, it's amazing!

  13. Great message. And what an amazing difference in those pictures. You have done an amazing job on yourself. Well done!!


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