Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Feeling Reflective

Most days I show up here in my own la-la land. I'm a happy little nut and all the world is peaceful and happy.
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 I read about people being mean for no reason  or doing mean stuff and it pisses me off and I want to just take my toys and go home. Find my happy place again.
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 And then sometimes I stop long enough from skipping around to actually reflect.  Think.
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Like today, I think about where I used to be.


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  And how I barely recognize the person I've become.


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 I think about how I've changed from a sad couch potato.  I think about my first 5K at 230 pounds and how scared I was.  And how very slow I was.
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I was skinny my entire young life.  Never worried about weight.  When I got married I was 125 pounds.  In high school, My Levi's button fly jeans were size 28 38.  After marriage I "blossomed."

Some things in my life I have bottled up and tried to hide.  But going through life has taught me that I shouldn't be afraid of my past.  It is what it is. 

When I was around 9 or 10 my grandfather molested me.  I remember the details like it happened yesterday.  What I was wearing.  The weather. His face.  It completely changed my life.  I was always a "daddy's girl" but from that moment forward I was afraid to be alone with my father.  Or at the very least, it made me uncomfortable.  I didn't like to be around any men alone.

It is only years later that I can say that I have finally healed from that experience.  Did I forgive grandpa?  Hell no!  He can rot.  I've thought about dancing on my grandfather's grave!  He died of cancer.  The world is a better place without him.  Sounds harsh?  Well, maybe there would be forgiveness if he ever asked for it.  Or if he had ever stopped molesting girls.  Many more people in my family he touched.  Nope.  I have no desire to forgive him.  I'm ok with that.

I'm pretty sure that experience added to my weight issues.  While in high school I was so nervous around my boyfriend that I literally could not eat.  And if I did eat I would promptly throw up.  It got to the point that even when we weren't together I couldn't keep food down.  Instead of gaining weight I became very thin. There is one picture of us together where my eyes look sunken and shallow and my bones are sticking out.  Terrible.

Same thing with each.  Even with one guy that I thought was going to be "the one."  I remember one time he cooked me dinner and as soon as I could get in my car I drove to a corner and left dinner at a stop sign.  Thanks grandpa.

But in between boyfriends and puking I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight.  I thought it would always be that way.  Young metabolisms kick butt.

Chuck came along and he was the first person I could be "me" around.  He put me totally at ease.  And we got married.  And I was content for the first time in years.  And I could eat.  And I did eat.  And it felt good.  I felt happy.

And then I got fat.  And I felt unhappy. But through it all Chuck gave me unconditional love.  When I was 250 pounds he would tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the world.  I knew it was BS but he looked at me with such adoration that I could almost believe it.

Today I'm not at goal and Chuck still tells me I'm pretty and still makes me happy.  I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself because I was so large for so long.  I developed habits such as not wanting to look in the mirror, keeping a wall up when around people so they couldn't get to know me, feeling bad about myself.

Today I fold clothes and pick up a pair of shorts or a shirt and think, "This must be Rachel's."  But it's mine.  I wear that size? It just doesn't register yet that I have reshaped my body.

I'm learning to be content with the new me that is emerging. I look at myself in the mirror now and I don't see as many bumps and rolls.  There are curves and collar bones.  I don't have the fat to hide behind like I used to.  I'm learning to be social again and it's not always easy for me. 

I really am proud of how far I've come.  Shedding the weight has been great but shedding my insecurities has been the best gift of all.  While my waist is shrinking, my self confidence is growing.  It's all worth it.

Wanna know why my blog is named Happy Texans? Because back when I started it I was not happy. Oh, I had happy moments and happy days but I knew I was not truly happy. There were way too many sad times of loneliness because of my own social insecurities because of weight and because I literally felt terrible. I named it what I wanted to become.  And I'm there. :)

I bleed rainbows!
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 Thanks for coming along with me on the journey.  This blog has really been a key player in my weight loss.  It's helped keep me accountable especially if I knew someone might actually read it!  So thank you.

14 comments:

  1. Thank YOU for sharing this journey and being such a source of inspiration and support! I'm so sorry to hear about that horrendous experience you had to go through, and the aftermath of it. It's absolutely not fair that hateful, evil people have to abuse good ones.

    I really consider you a friend, Kelly, so I'm so glad to read about your happy little life with your loving hubby and kids! Life can be so good.

    xoxo

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  2. This post made me sad and smile all at the same time - i'm sorry you had to go what through what you did but I am happy for you because you are finally happy =) ... you truly are an inspiration Kelly - thank you so much for sharing your journey and for taking time out of your day to read my blog and being my only commentor most of the time - it really means the world to me! I read your blog daily and I love to hear how your day went - good or bad - and I am totally loving all the success you have been having lately - you have finally found what works for you and I can't wait to do the happy dance with you when you get to goal and with the way your are going that won't be too far off! =) You rock girlfriend!! =)

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  3. *sigh* It makes my heart hurt every single time I hear of yet another person who has been hurt as a child by an adult that was suppose to protect them.

    It's almost like we all have similiar stories..and that's just not the way its suppose to be.

    Good thing is, we have control of the NOW! You decided to take back control of your life, your health, and your happiness!!! Go, Kelly! Go, Kelly!

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  4. Quite the journey you've been on, in so many ways. I'm so glad you found Chuck - he adores you and you deserve that.

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  5. I am so glad you found a guy who helps you be comfy around him and comfy with yourself.

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  6. As the commenter Sam said, this post made me smile and sad all at the same time. I am so sorry about what you were put through. And I am so happy with the progress you've made in overcoming it.

    And it's not just about losing the weight - it seems to me that you've lost the most important thing - which was the reason you'd put on the weight in the first place. I am very proud for you, Kelly.

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  7. Kelly, I'm so sorry for the past trauma that you had to endure, but so so happy that you found Chuck and a safe place where you can be you. Much MORE happiness is coming your way! I know it!

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  8. I just want to repeat everything everyone above has said. I truly appreciate you sharing your story - it's is such an important part of our journey to move on from these things. You've come a long way Kelly and we are all proud of you and I feel lucky to have found your blog way back when....

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  9. Wrapping up in a big rainbow hug!
    The happy kind!

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  10. It is often said that you should live "as if" and I think somewhere in the deepest recesses of your mind, you knew that and wanted it when you started Happy Texans. A self-fulling prophecy so to speak. But what a great one!

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  11. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that!!
    Love that you have fought back to become such a strong and wonderful person.
    Thank you for letting me come along on your journey.

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  12. I just love you to pieces Kelly...thanks for all you shared in this post. Big Hugs. :)

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  13. Thank you for sharing Kelly. You are pretty amazing.

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  14. I'd dance on that bastard's grave with you.

    Chuck (yours) sounds like Charles (mine). :) He's always told me I'm beautiful, big or normal weight. He made me feel so free being me that, like you, I could eat and grow fat and it didn't matter. He loved me.

    I didn't get superduperbig until I got sick. 10 lbs a year racks up fast. Between the IR, autoimmune nastiness, and hypothyroidism, I just ballooned!

    I'm glad we're both in happy places now. I'm not as LEAN as you yet, but I already feel worlds better, happier, more hopeful, looking forward to tackling other things when the goal weight is reached. I got mojo now!

    Hooray for Happy People!

    (I beyond adore those doodles.)

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