Like today, I think about where I used to be.
Some things in my life I have bottled up and tried to hide. But going through life has taught me that I shouldn't be afraid of my past. It is what it is.
When I was around 9 or 10 my grandfather molested me. I remember the details like it happened yesterday. What I was wearing. The weather. His face. It completely changed my life. I was always a "daddy's girl" but from that moment forward I was afraid to be alone with my father. Or at the very least, it made me uncomfortable. I didn't like to be around any men alone.
It is only years later that I can say that I have finally healed from that experience. Did I forgive grandpa? Hell no! He can rot. I've thought about dancing on my grandfather's grave! He died of cancer. The world is a better place without him. Sounds harsh? Well, maybe there would be forgiveness if he ever asked for it. Or if he had ever stopped molesting girls. Many more people in my family he touched. Nope. I have no desire to forgive him. I'm ok with that.
I'm pretty sure that experience added to my weight issues. While in high school I was so nervous around my boyfriend that I literally could not eat. And if I did eat I would promptly throw up. It got to the point that even when we weren't together I couldn't keep food down. Instead of gaining weight I became very thin. There is one picture of us together where my eyes look sunken and shallow and my bones are sticking out. Terrible.
Same thing with each. Even with one guy that I thought was going to be "the one." I remember one time he cooked me dinner and as soon as I could get in my car I drove to a corner and left dinner at a stop sign. Thanks grandpa.
But in between boyfriends and puking I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. I thought it would always be that way. Young metabolisms kick butt.
Chuck came along and he was the first person I could be "me" around. He put me totally at ease. And we got married. And I was content for the first time in years. And I could eat. And I did eat. And it felt good. I felt happy.
And then I got fat. And I felt unhappy. But through it all Chuck gave me unconditional love. When I was 250 pounds he would tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I knew it was BS but he looked at me with such adoration that I could almost believe it.
Today I'm not at goal and Chuck still tells me I'm pretty and still makes me happy. I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself because I was so large for so long. I developed habits such as not wanting to look in the mirror, keeping a wall up when around people so they couldn't get to know me, feeling bad about myself.
Today I fold clothes and pick up a pair of shorts or a shirt and think, "This must be Rachel's." But it's mine. I wear that size? It just doesn't register yet that I have reshaped my body.
I'm learning to be content with the new me that is emerging. I look at myself in the mirror now and I don't see as many bumps and rolls. There are curves and collar bones. I don't have the fat to hide behind like I used to. I'm learning to be social again and it's not always easy for me.
I really am proud of how far I've come. Shedding the weight has been great but shedding my insecurities has been the best gift of all. While my waist is shrinking, my self confidence is growing. It's all worth it.
Wanna know why my blog is named Happy Texans? Because back when I started it I was not happy. Oh, I had happy moments and happy days but I knew I was not truly happy. There were way too many sad times of loneliness because of my own social insecurities because of weight and because I literally felt terrible. I named it what I wanted to become. And I'm there. :)
|I bleed rainbows!|